Holiday Gift Guide for Cooks, featuring Williams-Sonoma

Just in time for the Christmas shopping season, I present some cooking-related gifts that will let you spend more time with your friends, specifically the kind of friends who will invite you over for dinner or beer instead of making you help them move or listen to John Tesh CD's. Williams Sonoma has a wide range of gifts, from thoughtful and useful to silly and overpriced! Highly recommended: the slow cooker.

The end of broadcasting. Get used to it.

I was asked to do a Public Service Announcement (called a "PSA" in the TV biz) about the transition to digital TV (DTV in the TV biz). This is a great opportunity to get more viewers for Food 411 for One, because when TV's stop working, people will have no choice but to turn to the Internet. Don't fall for the digital converter box or discount coupon scam!

An Alternative to GE Trivection and Advantium Ovens

Not everybody has room for or can afford a GE Trivection or Advantium oven, like the ones Alton Brown so shamelessly plugs in his online infomercials. This episode introduces my new Asian sourced Straaten microwave/convection/grill oven, which, at the time, was also available at Wal-Mart as a Daewoo. It's just the right thing in this time of subprime mortgage foreclosures.

The Straaten Sizzler is easy to use, too. Just press one button to roast a chicken to perfection. Alton Brown spends most of the time in his ad for General Electric wading through complicated menus. Sometimes, low-cost Asian knockoffs can be just as good as the original!

On Chef Robert Irvine, Lying and Dinner: Impossible

I was shaken to learn about how chef Robert Irvine disgraced all cooking show hosts with lies about his background. In this episode, I set the record straight with confessions about Food 411 for One, request the same deal from the Food Network, and reflect on what I would cook for various U.S. Presidents. As far as I know, I was not considered to replace him.

In particular, do not expect future episodes about rice, George Foreman grills, or meat thermometers.

Breakfast Cereal

Breakfast cereal can be a quick-and-dirty convenient meal, but when prepared properly, it is wonderful.

The keys are using a frozen ceramic bowl, measuring ingredients carefully—by weight, volume, or count depending on what it is—and the metric system comes in handy for this. Storing your cereal in an airtight container with a label describing the cereal and the purchase and expiration dates keeps everything fresh and crisp.

Here's the recipe for Food 411 for One Breakfast Cereal:

42 g (1 1/2 oz.) breakfast cereal (by weight)
pinch of kosher salt (by estimate)
179 ml (3/4 cup) milk (by volume)
20 fresh blueberries (by exact count)

Be sure to place the blueberries strategically in the matrix formed by the cereal. Serve immediately.

Recipe: Food 411 for One Pepper Steak Stir Fry

Chop into bite-size pieces:
1 onion
1 bell pepper
1/2 lb. steak

Heat a pan, and add:
1 tablespoon extra cheap canola oil

Sauté the onion, pepper, and steak. Add black pepper or other spices to taste, and:
1 tablespoon soy sauce(also known as soya sauce)

In a cereal bowl, microwave at full power for 5 minutes or until done:
2 cups water
1 package ramen noodles

Drain the water, add to the pan, and stir. Once the noodles are coated, serve immediately, and eat with chopsticks.

Stir frying

Everybody who lives alone in a cramped apartment should know about the uniquely Asian cooking technique of stir frying. An ideal stir fry has a variety of complementary ingredients in abundance, a state described by the ancient Chinese as having food "up the yin-yang."

Learn about using Ramen noodles in your stir-fry, and how to deal with confusing British English terminology and signs found in Southeast Asia.

Recipe: Food 411 for One Waffles

In a large bowl, measure carefully and combine:
3/4 cup flour
1/2 tablespoon sugar
1/4 teaspoon salt
pinch of nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon cream of tartar
1/4 teaspoon baking soda

Add:
3/4 cup buttermilk (or milk if your buttermilk is rancid)
2 tablespoons melted butter
1 egg yolk

Beat until stiff:
1 egg white

Gently fold the egg white into the batter.

Follow the directions that came with your waffle iron to bake the waffle. Hint: a TV kitchen waffle iron will bake your waffles nearly instantly.

Waffles

Everybody loves waffles, even your jealous neighbors who have to smell them!

Cream of tartar is a safer alternative to baking powder. Baking powder contains aluminum, a deadly neurotoxin. Even though cream of tartar is more expensive, you don't need to worry about that if you live alone

Buttermilk is a great way to make your waffles fluffy, but be sure it's fresh!

Microwave Sponge Sterilization Safety

This episode demonstrates the risks involved with using a microwave oven for things other than its intended purpose. It was based on research from the University of Florida, where research budgets have been cut to favor sports teams, forcing researchers to use equipment they bring from home.

Microwave ovens heat food by getting the water molecules to sing like Christmas carolers; singing is known to keep people warm in the winter. Some people have ruined their microwave ovens by trying to microwave dry sponges, since dry sponges have no water molecules to sing.

After the poor results shown here, Food 411 for One strongly cautions against this technique. It makes sense that the temperatures achieved by microwaving a sponge would sterilize it, but that didn't seem to work here. Due to the repeated power outages and subsequent fire from recording this episode, Food 411 for One was forced to move to a new studio for the next season. Watch and learn:

A Lame Cuisinart Coffee Maker

Due to our lack of sponsors, Food 411 for One is free to launch vicious attacks on companies that make inferior products.

The poor design of the Cuisinart coffee maker in this episode shows too much attention to details like the off timer setting and too little attention to what happens if the coffee overflows. It ruined every morning by beeping when the coffee is ready and before it shut off. Banish the unitasker!

Pizza

Today's modern world makes all kinds of exotic foods available to us, but don’t think that "exotic" means "difficult to prepare." This episode shows that even food that comes from as far away as Europe can be quick and easy. The featured item, called "pizza" (and pronounced "PEET-zuh") came from the frozen section of a specialty grocer, but since this episode was produced two years ago, it is now available nearly everywhere.

If you're not familiar with pizza, it has a crust and resembles a pie, but it's made with tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, and cheese.

Unlike many other baked goods, pizza doesn't need to be defrosted—it goes right from freezer to oven. After removing the elegant and thorough European wrapping, you can bake it directly on the oven rack, to make a delicious meal that doesn't make any dishes dirty!

Here's a tip: baking without a rack can make a mess in the oven. If you rent, you can just move before it gets too bad, and then it's the landlord's problem!